The holiday season is often a time of joy and celebration, but it also can be a source of significant stress as people balance family expectations, varying political dynamics and additional monetary expenses.
Clinical psychologist Jason Moser is a professor of psychology and director of the Clinical Psychophysiology Lab at Michigan State University’s Department of Psychology at the College of Social Science, where he serves as the associate dean of research.
Moser discusses why the holidays always seem like a source of stress, how taking a few minutes to reflect can help us navigate this season, and the importance of scrapping the stress management tools that do not work.
Why does the holiday season remain stressful?
Typically, a huge driver of stress is uncertainty and novelty. But the weird thing about the holidays is that we know it’s always coming. It’s not uncertain; it’s not new. It’s this weird paradox, right?
We know the holidays come every year, but there’s this underlying tension. On the one hand, it’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. On the other hand, we’re dealing with this massive pressure with people wanting to make the holidays wonderful for others or expecting others to do the same. It sets up this worry about potentially being disappointed or disappointed with someone else.
We’re stuck in this middle place where it should be good, but it could be bad. That inner conflict is where a lot of our distress comes from. We’re dealing with this confluence of things supposed to be positive mixed with intense pressure and worry.
How can people manage conflicting emotions?
We’ve rigged things in our lives to be fast and furious, and this time of year is one of the busiest. My big recommendation is to take stock sooner rather than later. The more you can plan and be proactive, the less reactive you will be. Ask yourself: ‘Where are my sources of joy and positivity coming from? Where are my sources of stress and sadness emerging?’ By identifying and naming these things, you give yourself an opportunity to make choices.
Think of it like this: Lay out the good and the bad. Here’s the positivity, here’s the negativity, and here’s where they are butting up against each other. At that point, you can decide what you’re going to do about it. Maybe you’re not going to invite certain people over. Maybe you are going to take that new job. You have a lot of choices. But you can’t make those decisions if you haven’t first recognized what’s really going on.
Once you’ve taken stock and made some decisions, you can then choose what strategies work for you and what doesn’t work for you in terms of staying present, rethinking situations, and helping you manage your emotions and stress.
What are helpful stress management tools?
There’s no one-size-fits-all solution. I want people to open their toolbox and be selective. Three incredibly effectives strategies to try including:
- Expressive writing: Get all those nasty thoughts out of your head. Journaling isn’t just about the past. You can try anticipatory journaling where you spend a few minutes writing about what you’re worried about happening in the future — or, even in the next 15 minutes!
- Third-person self-talk: Use your own name when thinking internally. Research has shown that it is a powerful tool you can use for giving yourself a unique perspective when thinking about past transgressions, current-moment stress, and anticipating something going wrong. It gives you a third person perspective just by using your own name. It’s like giving advice to someone else — which we’re usually fairly good at — but you’re giving it to yourself! That simple shift in language gives you that distance to talk to yourself like you would be a friend.
- Belly breathing: Five to seven minutes of focused diaphragmatic breathing can be incredibly powerful. Take a normal breath through the nose (not a deep breath!!) and a long breath out through the mouth. Exhale is the most important because that tells your body you are in a relaxed state.
Here’s a crucial point: If something doesn’t work for you, then don’t continue to do it. Don’t keep reaching for a tool that never works for you. Some people try mindfulness and think, ‘Nope, this is awkward.’ That’s okay. Focus on what helps you.
How should you approach challenging family dynamics?
Remember, there are rarely huge surprises. The usual suspects do what the usual suspects do. Give people some grace but recognize you’re in control of whether you engage or disengage.
Ask yourself: ‘What are my values? Why am I really doing this?’ Maybe being together as a family is super important to you. So, you might decide that you’re willing to put up with some negativity because connecting with your family matters most to you.
The interesting thing about making choices is that decisions tend to close a loop in your brain. That gives you some power in helping to mitigate what you’re going to feel in the moment. But your buttons will get pushed, and negativity will still happen through the holiday season. At that point, take stock of where you’re at on the most basic level — make sure you’re sleeping, staying hydrated — and try to plan to be the best version of yourself.
Think about preparing like an athlete. Have a pre-event strategy, know how you’ll handle things during the event and plan your recovery afterwards. Everything in life is basically a task or a performance . . . treat your family gathering the same way.
What is the best way to use these strategies?
I know part of the reason that people don’t do the preparation or take time for themselves, is that it’s effortful and feels time-consuming.
But you don’t need hours of preparation. Even if you did one or two of the things I mentioned, we’re talking 10 to 20 minutes max. Trade some of that doomscrolling time for setting yourself up for success. You might not realize it, but even doomscrolling is effortful — it’s draining your brain. It also gives you no mastery or accomplishment feelings. One of the most effective therapies out there for depression is behavioral activation, which encourages you to do things that are a balance of pleasure and mastery. The phone offers most people negative mastery. So, if you just trade 10 to 15 minutes a day with some of the strategies I laid out, you’re going to feel a difference.
Go back to your toolbox and have options ready to work for you. Hydrate. Get enough sleep. Have a small snack. Listen to music that makes you feel good. These basic things go a long way.
Pro tip: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, give yourself a timeout. It’s completely reasonable to step away and take a breath.
